Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?