ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
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I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire