I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
