dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
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It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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