I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
