Me. At least after what I've been through.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
