Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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