I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
