i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
