When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
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I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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