Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
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I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
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Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
third nipple confirmed
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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