My first STD was from a foam party
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize