I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
