An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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