I cannot find my penis.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize