I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
