dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
