I accidentally had phone sex last night
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
