First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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