I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
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I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
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He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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