last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days