my computer doesn't work...
i puked on it last night
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.