my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.