bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
