i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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