She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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