I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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