Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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