first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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