Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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