I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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