Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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