I think i peed on brittanys purse
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
