I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
