i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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