glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
