nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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