Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
