Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in