So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."