wrigley field is MILF paradise
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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