hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
