Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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