I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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