every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
