I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
