took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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