I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
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I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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