genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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