just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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