Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
