We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
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Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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