You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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