cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
