Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
